Whoops, it's been a month.
I feel inclined to write today because it snowed for the first time. I was working in the studio all day (from 1pm onwards), and I only left school at 9 when I got dinner with Dylan, Sarah, Rode, and Connor (I will remember these poeple when I read back on this, won't I?). It snowed while I was indoors, and upon exiting I was struck immediately by how the air smelled like winter. It made me feel nostalgic. We were chatting in the bitter cold, jittery and hyperactive, active in response to the cold. I saw my breath in the dark, and my glasses fogged when I reentered a building. It's easy to drone endlessly on sensory experience in response to weather variation—or is it just a Minnesotan characteristic? The first snow of winter is always magical for me. Halloween this year felt more special this year than it had ever before, but I think Christmas will always have my heart.
So much has happened in this past month. Will all my memories be consigned to oblivion (as Washington wrote)? I've been obsessed with Hamilton. I can sing the first act, and I've nearly got the second. I relistened to Frank Ocean's "Channel Orange" a few days ago—I'm listening to him now. Margaret's Halloween party. Late nights in the studio. Ameesha's playlist: O Fortuna! and Mozart's Requiem. Bree and Nathan and Nathan. The 48 hour film festival, which was wildly successful. Sorie and Fu and Ameesha and Nathan and dorm-style KBBQ and getting drunk outside at the MCAD lawn picnic table. A new friendship/collaboration-ship with Krista and Rachel. The nice person (he?) who fixed my chord, finally, and it's no longer a fire hazard! Newfound love for art history. The opera with Sarah and Ameesha! Carlos and Katie being....awful, really. Brian, who is far, far away. Hamilton on repeat. The hairy man bat. Little reading. Drawing and animating and writing. I've accepted the fact that I am not an intellectual and never will be—I am too restless, and I crave immediate satisfaction!
The art sale started yesterday. And then it snowed today. It was so bitterly cold—I felt invigorated by solitude. Somehow, I've made more friends this semester than I had my entire time at MCAD. Maybe even my entire time in college. But I'm leaving soon. I guess, in the spirit of Dylan and his approach to life, I will leave at my peak, which is for the best—I leave before the inevitable decline. I'm still sad, though.
Next week is Thanksgiving Break. I will see Brian on Wednesday! I guess that's...5 days? Wow. His arrival strikes me with dread, but only for selfish reasons. I feel guilty for being so self-centered. But I waver between guilt and pride at my own solipsism. Is not all great art created by a great individual? But also, is not all happiness derived from the company of others? It's a difficult balance to strike.
I've been quiet this month because I've been sleeping at 5 am and eating hot pockets from the vending machine for dinner and working for 8+ hours a day on my senior project. I'm in the studio all day, every day, but I'm not always working, and I'm always surprised when people comment on how hardworking I am. I feel fundamentally lazy and selfish. My sin is sloth (and gluttony, but I don't think I will ever overcome that, so I won't even worry about it).
I planned on finished 100% of my assets for my game by TOMORROW, but I don't think that will happen. These individual drawings are too detailed. It's becoming frustratingly more visually complex. At least now I feel like I could actually illustrate a graphic novel. I will also been composing my own music over Thanksgiving Break, and writing the rest of the game, um...also over break. If I could have just one more week, I would feel so much better. But I knew I would feel this way during my weeks of slacking about a month ago. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it feels like 5 people are going to play this game, and I am making this for nobody, and I barely see a point to all of this effort. Who will see this? Will Kill Screen or Rock, Paper, Shotgun review it? Probably not. Will I be more employable after completing this edeavor? Also, probably not. GOD. I just need to finish.
My dear diary, I won't neglect you for much longer. After I graduate, my life can finally begin in earnest.