I'm exhausted. I slept 12 hours last night. I'll be sleeping soon, now.
Not much has happened, I guess. I've been talking a lot with Bree and Sabrina. Apparently Jordan (not my brother) shit-talked about me to Bree and Sabrina, and Ameesha was literally right there and obviously defended me, and she came to my apartment after to tell me about all of this. Good times. Jordan basically said she didn't think I would finish because I didn't finish Hubert Milford. Awkward. I told Brian about this later and he agree with what Jordan said. Tragic.
Tom's classes are always fun. Lots of jokes and smiles. He told me about OIAF and how I should've gone. I am very, very sad about it. I see posts about it all the time on Twitter and Instagram. Maybe one day I will make it into the festival again. Apparently Tom is friends with the festival director, Chris Robinson, who informed him about an MCAD student being in the festival. God. Also, Tom told me he used to be punk. I am not worthy.
People seem to like my coloring. I just got off Skype with Brian who told me I needed to work on my ending. I guess I have to. I started writing a bit this morning. Didn't get very far. I really haven't done anything except animation for the last week. Still haven't replied to Ari or Emily. I feel bad. I've just been so busy. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow, and work on Sunday instead of Saturday. Ugh. It's endless.
I'm so scared for my project now. I have to get the story down. I have to get something done, the writing done. It has to make sense. It's going to be so disjointed and weird and nonsensical. Why did I do this? Why am I like this? I have 10 weeks left. Maybe less. God.
Thomas and Skyler visited me in the studio today. And later, Thomas specifically went out of his way to ask me for advice on his animation (which, by the way, was really really cool). I think I am the grandma of the animation studio. It's like they weirdly look up to me. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking into this too much. I feel very lost right now. I don't feel ready for any large undertaking. I'm not ready for my work to "say anything." Like, I'm just a designer at this point, not a storyteller. Brian was talking about narratology today, about Chekov's gun. I know storytelling structure a bit, at least from a cinematic/visual perspective. But can I tell a story that is actually meaningful and interesting? I want to. I feel like, in a way, it's my calling. But I've never done it. The disconnect between what I want to do and what I have done. The gap is closing in some aspects and widening in others. Exposure to new material frightens me. I haven't watched a movie in a week. I miss watching films and movies. I haven't read in like three days. GOD, I AM LIKE A SHELL OF A PERSON. BARELY HUMAN. ONLY A VISUAL MACHINE.